How to ask for help

Sometimes the simplest things make the biggest difference.

Get out of your own way and learn to confidently ask for what you need.

Accepting help can be hard, even when it's offered. And turning vague offers of assistance into help that actually, well, helps can be even more challenging.

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

You’ve heard the phrase—and have likely even said it yourself. Think back to what happened next: anything? Probably not. That’s because even when they come from a place of good intentions, vague offers rarely result in real-life results.

To start, few friends know the help we really need, says Jo McCord, MA, a San Francisco-based family consultant with the Family Caregiver Alliance. Important too is the fact that few caregivers like to admit that they can’t do it all. Indeed, 65 percent of caregivers do not get consistent help from other family members, reports the Caregivers Action Network, a nonprofit support group based in Washington, DC.

“There are a million reasons why people refuse help or refuse to think about getting help,” notes McCord.

Maybe it’s not surprising, then, to find that caregivers often forget to care for themselves, putting them at a higher risk of significant health problems, depression and emotional and physical burnout.

“Caregiver burnout is all too common, with symptoms similar to depression and stress,” explains Beth Battaglino, RN-C, CEO of HealthyWomen.org, an independent women’s health nonprofit based in New Jersey. “Caregivers may withdraw from friends and loved ones, lose interest in things they used to enjoy, have trouble sleeping or eating—all of which can lead to exhaustion,” says Battaglino.

Don’t allow that to happen to you. The next time someone offers to support or assist with your caregiving work, be ready with these tips.

65 percent of caregivers do not get consistent help from other family members.

Know that you do need help.

It’s not easy to admit, but we all need help at some point in our lives. And never more so than when we become caregivers. Simply put, caregiving can be exhausting. It also can be too big a job for one person to handle alone, especially if your loved one needs assistance with multiple needs or around-the-clock care.

Know that people want to help.

For sure, not everyone who kindly offers help actually has the time or commitment to pitch in dependably. However, many do. And others would love to be part of your extended network of as-needed help.

Know what you need.

Take a moment to write down all the things that need to get done, from cooking meals and doing yard work to filling out medical forms and driving to doctor appointments. “You want to have concrete things that you need help with,” says McCord. “It’s really important that you tell [those who volunteer] what you need.”

Know there are many ways to help.

Could someone take your loved one on a short walk a few times a week? Could your neighbor pick up a few items at Costco? Offer people a few ways to pitch in. Then let them choose the one that fits best with their schedule and skills. But be strategic, says McCord: “Once you’ve got the knack, don’t keep asking the same person for all these things because that’s not going to work.”

Know that all help isn’t helpful.

We’ve all met that lovely person whose idea of assistance doesn’t match our needs. Never is this more problematic than when you’re juggling work, family and caregiving. Simply put, if the effort to accept someone’s help is causing more trouble than it’s worth, politely let it go or point them in another direction. You have enough on your plate as it is.

Know they may say no.

Rejection isn’t fun. However, in the long run an honest “No” may be better for you, your loved one and your relationship with your friend or family member. “Accept the fact that some people are going to help and some are not going to be able to help,” says McCord. In either case, she adds, “It’s important to be direct and tell people what you need.”

Know that you are worthy of being helped.

When it comes to accepting help, put down any guilt or embarrassment you might be carrying around. Realize that taking care of yourself will give you more energy to take care of your loved one.

And the next time someone offers to help you, remember this simple script: “Thank you for the offer. Here’s what you can do.”